I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
