cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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