I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
