We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
