someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
