this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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