tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
