Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
