Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
