My ATM looks so different sober.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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