i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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