i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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