Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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