Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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