life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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