the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
