She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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