I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
