I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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