one word: firstdatebathroomanal
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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