the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
