lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize