I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
