You just made me feel so damn special
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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