Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize