what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
