She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
