My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
