I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
