Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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