He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
