Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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