he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
