I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
