hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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