I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
