Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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