you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
