saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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