If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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