True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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