I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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