Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
