Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
