i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
