There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
