I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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