theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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