I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
