If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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