Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
