just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
