Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
